For this post I am going to do something a little different. I am going to post my two journal entries from June 8th and 9th. They nicely capture my closing thoughts from May and give insight into how I am creating all of these posts. I do warn that these are not funny or creative but brutally honest. To give the context I took my Hebrew final at 8AM on the 8th and both of these entries were written on the last page of that particular journal.
7:09 AM Parking Lot Fuller Seminary
Lord I come before you on the verge of tears. Lord, I’m not ready for the test in an hour, I’m super tired, and my neck, back and wrist are all in a lot of pain (in May I started having serious neck pain related to “forward head,” I hurt my back racking weights at 24Hourfitness two and a half years ago and whenever I type too much my right wrist flares up). My neck and back are especially problematic.
Lord, the cost of the last ten months has been miserably high. The result has been pitifully fruitless.
Lord, I’m in a panic about my whole life. I’m a mess—I’m almost so crippled (hyperbolae) and poor (again hyperbolae) and such a romantic and other human person failure that I don’t know what to say.
Lord, my life feels like an utter disaster.
All I can do is pray out of Exodus. (Here I wrote out Exodus 2:23-25)
Lord, please save me from this disastrous final and year.
Lord, help me to listen to Psalm 27: I believe I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!
Please deliver me.
Amen
2:11 AM Home
Lord, I come before you starting to do really well. Lord, I think I did pretty well on the Hebrew test. Or, really, I know I passed which is good enough. Also, the Lakers won a key game 3 coming down to the wire. Also, my neck is feeling somewhat better—although it is still pretty messed up.
Also, Lord when I look back at what this journal has seen in three months I see a giant shit storm.
So Lord, I start with Psalm 34 (when writing out this text I only write out the first part or sometimes only write out verse 18—the verse this blog gets its name from)
I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continuously be in my mouth. My soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad. O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together. I sought the Lord and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Look to him and be radiant so your faces shall never be ashamed. This poor soul cried and was heard by the Lord and was saved from every trouble. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him and delivers them. O taste and see that the Lord is good, happy are those who take refuge in him. O fear the Lord, you his holy ones, for those who fear him have no want. The young lions suffer want and hunger, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.
Lord, in the three months of this journal and in the three months before this journal I groaned and groaned and groaned. Lord, I wandered out into the wilderness in January by taking Hebrew II. Yet, Lord, you have delivered me. You have brought me back to goodness. Lord, now as the summer starts which is full of potential goodness and hope I praise you for getting me here. You got me through Lord. Thank you!
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